Why I'm Here (And Why This Matters So Deeply To Me)

I remember being in middle school and talking about careers, and I had always had it in my mind that I wanted to be a play therapist or a baker/cake decorator. The cake decorator thing made sense because I have loved The Food Network since I can remember (Emeril Lagasse was my man... BAM!), but admittedly, I never really knew why a play therapist. At that point, I hadn't had any experience in therapy myself, but rather through "research," I must've thought it was interesting, and I liked the idea of working with kids.

Fast forward to me completing high school to graduate school with my Master of Social Work in 8 years, and a therapist I became. I started off my career working in a pediatrician's office, which the story of how I got that job might be one to share at another time, but I loved it and thought it would be a job I would work in forever (ha!). But the reality of it is, the productivity expectations were unrealistic and the almost 2-hour round-trip commute was really starting to weigh on me. That led me to working in a college counseling center, and eventually supervising a team in community mental health. Eventually, I felt that I still wanted more and had heard of people going into group practice and loving it-so I did just that.

I was a part of a group practice for over 2 years, and in that time, among other things, I began to build a name for myself, found confidence in who I was, got trained in EMDR, continued to grow as a therapist, experienced difficulties conceiving, and had my first child. That last part is when things really changed... I remember walking back into my office 12 weeks after the birth of my son and feeling an overwhelming sense of "why am I doing this?" Now, this was nothing about my clients or my group, but rather motherhood completely wrecking every sense of identity that I had worked so hard to establish. I have always been a high-achieving individual (see the timeline of my education and obtaining my doctorate before I was 30), driven and motivated to do well, and always defined myself by my success and accomplishments. Well, if anyone reading this is a mother, you will know how much that life transition shakes up everything you thought you knew about yourself and everyone around you. Success was no longer based on improvements on a depression screening, the implementation of a coping skill, or a client consistently attending sessions-success became an ever-moving goal post, and the second you felt like you understood the game, the rules changed.

Early on in my motherhood journey, things were difficult-from having to be induced due to preeclampsia, a loooong labor (ask me about this later), feeding issues, tongue tie release, et cetera, et cetera... we struggled. Then you throw in some early postpartum depression, whew, we were struggling there for a bit. And yet, once those initial 12 weeks of my maternity leave were over, I was expected to return to work and see clients as though I didn't feel like my whole world was falling apart. Eventually, though, we all kind of found our groove-my son was thriving, work was stabilizing, and things seemed to make sense again... until they didn't.

13 months postpartum, it felt like everything was falling apart again. Without a real known cause, I began to spiral into a deeper postpartum depression than I had before. My anxiety was off the charts, and the number of times I cried between sessions at work was becoming more frequent. I remember looking at other therapists (because I had been with one for a while) and seeking any relief I could possibly find. Eventually, I found a group whose sole purpose and role was to provide support for those postpartum, including an intensive outpatient program (IOP). I was terrified to call-feeling that as a therapist, I should know how to "help myself" and I wasn't "that bad" to need that kind of support. But when I finally did call and complete my initial intake, I felt like for the first time I was able to take a breath because I didn't have to hold it all in on my own anymore.

Now the scary and tricky part was figuring out how the heck I was supposed to manage 3 hours of therapy three days a week while also continuing to work to contribute to our family financially, and support my clients. It wasn't the easiest conversation to have with those in my life, including those at work and home with varying levels of depth into the information I was sharing, but I was able to make it work. Walking into my first day of IOP, I kept telling myself, "Don't tell anyone you're a therapist because they will judge you or question why you are here." Well, I blew that because I carried a bag that said "social worker" on it (oops). But no one said anything about my job, and I was able to put that part of myself on the shelf and truly immerse myself in the support, healing, knowledge, and community that was offered. I would be lying if I said it was all easy (I tried to quit after a few weeks), but when I finally did graduate, I felt like a better mom, wife, and therapist. I utilized the skills, tools, and techniques in my personal life as well as my professional life.

One of the best things that came out of my time in IOP, outside of my own personal healing, was this: Selah Therapy Collective, PLLC. Honestly, a dream that I have had since early on in my postpartum journey, but one that felt too far-fetched and out of the question for me. So I put in my notice at the group practice and began building something for myself to fully lean into my hope and desire for me and my clients-to find a place for them to finally take a breath, pause, and move forward with greater clarity and steadiness. And while I don't claim to have it fully figured out yet, I am so grateful for those who are along in this with me as a client, a follower, a friend, a family member, or a fellow clinician and hope that this space I am creating is one that feels authentic, safe, and welcoming to all.

Selah was built from the belief that none of us are meant to carry hard things alone. And if you’re a postpartum parent realizing you may need more support than weekly therapy alone can offer, please know that specialized care exists. Anchor Perinatal provides dedicated postpartum support, including intensive outpatient programming, for those who may need that next level of care: https://www.anchorperinatal.com/